Why do we Criticise?

Theodore Roosevelt’s iconic speech of 1910 is probably more valid now than ever – boy do us humans love to criticise! Especially with the advantage of being able to troll somebody from an incognito position behind a computer keyboard or phone.

If you’ve read anything of brilliant Brené Brown, then you will know that this speech has been a great influence for her, hence the title of her 2012 book “Daring Greatly” (I thoroughly recommend it).

I’m a recovering perfectionist, this of course made it very easy for me to be hard on others – I wanted them to reach my high standards! In reality, I realise that this perfectionism was a defence system to actually try and get people to like me and not to be angry with me. If I did everything perfectly then my mother might not be angry. It also followed for me that, as my parents didn’t want me, I might always need to work hard for affection.

It wasn’t healthy! I was easily embarrassed, and didn’t like to try anything new, for fear of making a fool of myself. I assumed that nobody liked me and lived in constant stress trying to perform in a way that would avoid criticism.

Then, through burnout and chronic illness, I made that startling revelation –

Nobody is perfect and there will ALWAYS be critics!

Another huge breakthrough was the realisation that

what people criticise in you is NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them.

It’s important to remember that a lot of what we do is natural, our subconscious rules us for a majority of the time and this is run by a monkey that still works with caveman rules! We shouldn’t feel guilty or shamed by our behaviour but, once we understand it, it is our responsibility to make changes.

So why do we criticise?!

As hunter-gatherers, we needed to know the faults in others in order to either work with them or find their weakness to attack them – survival of the fittest – and it had to be done quickly. Deciding who is worth adding to the pack and who is dead weight was part of survival. It’s not any more!

That subconscious, snap-decision, based on fear and memories, is not relevant now. We still use negative gossip to find our tribe, but we don’t use it for positive outcomes, only for self-promotion and to boost our fragile egos.

In the brilliant “Power of Now“, Eckhart Tolle describes these patterns as “egoic behaviour”, and explains that it is fuelled by the “pain-body” from which the sub-conscious reacts. I view this as the hidden, dark side of you that holds all the pain that you haven’t dealt with; you have become so used to ignoring it that you don’t realise that it hurts, it’s only when somebody touches that nerve that you react strongly.

Brené Brown describes it as “chandeliering” – when you unexpectedly leap as high as the chandeliers – hitting the ceiling – reacting to something that does not warrant such a big reaction. It makes the people around you nervous because they are even less aware of your pain points than you are, and therefore don’t know how to act around you to avoid reactive outbursts.

A lot of the hurtful things that we do are purely a form of protection, but in this modern world of ours it doesn’t serve us any more. It has the opposite effect, as it pushes people away and leaves us ignoring our own issues, instead of addressing them.

Once you see your knee-jerk reactions as a completely separate part of you, it is easier to observe them than to be caught up in the reaction, but it involves unpacking all that pain from deep down, and it’s not easy! It is, however, the most worthwhile thing you can ever do for yourself and those you care about.

Tools to avoid criticising:

“A cynical habit of thought and speech, a readiness to criticize work which the critic himself never tries to perform, an intellectual aloofness which will not accept contact with life’s realities—all these are marks, not … of superiority but of weakness.”

Theodore Roosevelt. Sorbonne, Paris, 1910.

A good starting point when you feel that criticism surfacing, is to ask questions.

Don’t judge yourself or feel guilty for your reactions, it is human nature and it has done a very good job of keeping us alive so far! But we need to learn how to cope in a new environment now.

So, when you find yourself criticising somebody ask yourself 3 questions:

1.) Is my reaction based on something they have done that they are not aware of?

This is a very important place to start – if your criticism is based on a misunderstanding, or somebody is not aware that they have hurt you, then this needs to be addressed with that person.

If you start criticising them to a third person then you are only creating a triangle. Bringing in a third party who agrees with you, will stabilise this unhealthy situation, making you feel reassured that you have support, but distancing yourself from dealing with the issue at hand.

With this initial action in mind, now consider this –

2.) Is there anything I don’t like about them that I don’t like about myself?

3.) Is there anything that they have that I am jealous of, and how does that make me feel?

With the answers to these questions you, you can turn your energies inward and begin to learn about your pain and start healing yourself. You will really have to sit with these questions and look inside for the truth. I can pretty much guarantee that it won’t be comfortable!

Resist Temptation!

If you find yourself reaching for your phone or TV remote, then re-focus on the questions and the feelings. You may have to bring yourself back many times, but keep at it. It will get easier and more natural every time. You are breaking old habit patterns and making new, healthier ones.

Imagine being in the same situation with the same person months, or years later (It’s not a quick process!) and realising that you don’t feel that same surge of emotion! Your love, understanding and empathy towards yourself will make your interactions with others so much easier. Every issue has to be worked from the inside-out, and that is painful work; it’s why we criticise instead!

If you need more motivation, then checkout the whole speech below.

The “Man in the Arena” speech

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Citizenship in a Republic, Theodore Roosevelt. Sorbonne, Paris, 1910.

To learn more about why we criticise so much, or to re-programme your autopilot, get in touch.

“The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer,” Roosevelt